The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
