okay pat passed out under dana's car
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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