My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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