Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."