someone threw a dead crab at me
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.