guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
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When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
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Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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