my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
