Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
