i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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