I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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