My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
