I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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