i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
