I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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