my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
