He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
