so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You're a waste of cheezeits
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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