wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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