It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She bit a glass in half.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
