how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
