Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
