you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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