Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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