My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
