phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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