Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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