Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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