My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
