it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
