my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?