I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.