I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
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When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
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It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much