I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?