good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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