My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
