just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
