You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
