Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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