I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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