Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize