Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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