he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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