she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
now i know why i became what i already was.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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