I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
