If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
