So drunk its hurt
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
