Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Still dying that you shit outside
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
