My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
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By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
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This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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