I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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