Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
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I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
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HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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