How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
