her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?