Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
