I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Is it penis luge time yet?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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