I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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