Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
