I need help removing her.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
how drunk are you?
Several
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
