hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
