I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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