your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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