Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Fuck appropriateness.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
