$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
