areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
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