Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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